God comes where all certainties end. My heart has been urging me for some time to tell you about my encounter with Grandpa. To place him before everyone, like a child who finds a treasure and shouts out loud: "Oooohhh! Come and see what I've discovered!".
Grandpa is, in fact, Protosinghel Teofan Merlă from Cetățuia Monastery in Iași. And I, your Jenica, always the same, was lying with a hemiparesis on a hospital bed, in a ward in Tătărași, at Neurosurgery, waiting for them to tell me when and if they would operate on me. It was September, specifically September 6, 1998. It feels like yesterday. They told me I had a disc herniation that absolutely needed surgery, otherwise I would become paralyzed.
During the evening rounds, Dr. T., who had taken over my case, informed me that on the 8th he would operate on me with Mr. Professor. I trembled, and tears gushed out instantly. I hid under the sheet, sobbing. After they finished the rounds, Dr. T. returned to the ward, sat on the edge of my bed, like a true father, and asked me: "Are you afraid?". I probably looked at him quite askance, because he smiled when I replied: "Nooo! But I don't want to be on the operating table on the Mother of God's birthday! I want to be at the Liturgy!". He looked at me for a long time, gently squeezed my hand, and whispered: "Pray!". He was also a believer. (The nurses told me he never operated without first going to worship in the Chapel on the ground floor).
That night, I knelt on the bed and prayed as he told me. As I was crying there and telling the Mother of God all sorts of things, I looked up at the window and saw church spires shining in the distance under a spotlight. It was somewhere high up, on a hill, surrounded by a thick and immense stone wall. I said to myself: "Yesss! There must be a monastery there! Is there a vigil happening? Is anyone there now, in the altar?". And I started to shout, from the depths of my being, from the depths of my being: "Father, you, who are there now, at this monastery that I see through the window, pray for me too! I don't know what church it is, I don't know who protects it, but you hear me, Father, whoever you may be, hear me and help me!".
That's how I spent the night until around 4 AM, when I fell asleep. I don't know how long it lasted when I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was the nurse, who told me: "Wake up, they're operating on you today! The lady scheduled for this morning developed high blood pressure and cannot go into surgery. That's why we will operate on you today" (on September 7th!).
It was hard. That surgery changed my life! Completely! Glory be to God for everything!
The next day, on the Nativity of the Mother of God, I, crazy Jenica, descended from the third floor to the ground floor, to the Chapel, for Liturgy, to thank the Mistress. When the Father saw me, he was speechless. I was a walking skeleton, hunched over, holding onto the walls. But the Mother of God helped me. She was – is and will forever remain, God willing! – my crutch.
“There is a need for suffering, for sweat, for blood!”
Then came the gift! Visiting hours had begun, and among other people, Maria, the daughter of the lady next to my bed, came. In conversation, she tells me: 'My mother told me you are a devout woman' – how well I knew how to pretend! Lord, forgive me! – 'and, if you want, I'll come tomorrow (Sunday) by car and take you somewhere, here in Iași, to a monastery, to a very good old Father'. I say: 'Yesss! I want to!'
It was the fourth day after the surgery, still in the hospital, but was I still thinking about risks?... Oh, you mad, mindless person! My Maria came by car and took me precisely to the monastery visible from my hospital window! I hadn't asked anyone about it. Everything that had happened was only in my mind and heart. Only within me! Well, we arrived at Cetățuia... We barely made our way through the people at the service. It was extremely crowded, and we went right to the front. When we reached the altar door, I was met by a small old man, with a mischievous smile and a strong scent of myrrh. Maria gently pushed me forward, so he could bless me. I didn't even have time to open my mouth and say anything, when the Father grabbed my hand tightly and said: "Does it hurt? It wasn't easy, was it? You almost died, didn't you?". And he gently gave me a light punch on the back of the neck, while blessing me. "You screamed at me all night, so I couldn't sleep. But what did you think, that I sleep here?"
I froze. I was already feeling very ill, drenched in sweat from pain, and I felt the ground give way beneath my feet. In this state, I ONLY managed (I write in capital letters) to think something personal that had been bothering me for a very long time, when the Father took both my hands, held me tightly so I wouldn't fall, smiled gently, looking into my eyes as if he had read into their depths, and said: "Do you think it's that easy, Jenica? It requires suffering, sweat, blood!". And he blessed me in a way no one ever had before. He kissed me on the crown of my head, then took my head and placed it on his holy chest, exactly over his heart. Was it because Christ was already there? How did he know what I had thought, what I had asked in my mind? I repeat,in my mind! How did he know my name? He knew. Yes, he knew! It's so simple, actually. So natural! He knew, because Christ was already in his heart.
I felt like the pilgrim who asked Saint Seraphim of Sarov to see the Lord. And the Lord had mercy on him.
That's how it all began. Then many things followed. Whenever I needed to breathe, when I felt all my certainties had vanished, I would run to Grandfather. Next to him, everything seemed easy, everything made sense. I was like a child going to complain to Grandpa. There are so many, that I could write "to be continued"... and again "to be continued"... and they still wouldn't end.
"Stay here, in the church, and pray with me!"
I remember once I was in a situation that seemed hopeless. I was thrashing like a fish out of water. I took the children to the children's home and got on the Iași bus. I had time to return by 6 PM. My husband was away on a mission in Bosnia, and as I had no other recourse, I went up to Cetățuia, with my mind racing and my face wet with tears. But just as I entered, Father Teofan was leaving. In my desperation, I cried out within myself: "Don't leave! Don't leave, my Father, please, don't leave! Stay with me here, in the church, and pray with me! Where are you going? Who are you leaving me to?"
Can you imagine what a state I was in, to even have the strength just to think like that... Such selfishness! He was old, sick, and I was screaming with all my being for him to stay with me. I knelt down next to the column in the middle of the church, the one on the left. (Those who know the monastery know that there are two pillars in the middle of the church - now there are two icons to the left and right, exactly as the Father told me it would be after he was gone). I stayed there, face to the ground, and cried. Suddenly, I smell a strong scent of myrrh. I lift my head and see the Father kneeling next to the column on the right. He was praying... just as I, in my desperate thoughts, had asked him to.
This was Grandpa. This was Father Teofan Merlă. The Elder from Cetățuia Hill. I know many knew him, many loved him... Before he departed to the Lord, he called me to him. My last meeting with the Father was in his cell. He was in bed, physically dying, but spiritually more alive than ever. I was in the armchair, sitting next to him and listening as he described how the funeral would proceed. Where I would stand, what I would do. How I would read the Psalter for him. At that time, I didn't understand. But later I realized that, in fact, he was describing his own funeral in great detail. Also later, I understood that he was leaving me his last advice as a testament, which would fully come true at the time appointed by the Lord.
Grandpa?... Christ ALIVE!
Me?... One dead, resurrected through suffering.
I will give an answer for what the Father bestowed upon us. I fear, I fear that Christ will ask me what I did when I go to the other side. Our spiritual Father always tells us: „Hey, no one is next to you in vain. There's a purpose! Open your eyes wide and see what the work is, and work for and towards it”. Lord, have mercy!
I lovingly urge you all to go up Cetățuia Hill. Go to the cemetery. There, on the left, right in the first row, is Father Teofan's grave. Go and tell him everything as if he were alive, for truly he is alive! I'll also tell you something I just remembered. I was with my husband at the cemetery and I saw a family with two small children, twins, enter. They placed them in front of the Father's cross and I heard them saying: „Look, Father, these are your children, Peter and Paul. Here with you I cried when I couldn't have children, and you helped me. I have brought them now for you to know and bless them”.
Go! You won't regret it...
Jenica Gavrilă