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My lovesick darlings, are you still with me?! Your Anuța is holding her own in the series Love Letters, she doesn't give me a moment to breathe... I tried to calm her down, I approached her from all sides, with all the effective communication strategies, but do you think I can win her over with this psycho-personal-emotional development mumbo-jumbo?! Oh boy, believe me, friends, there's no talking to her. I cannot put any restraint on the soul that wants to give itself to you. Our enamored one struggles frantically in her grip, she doesn't want to hear any argument and just screams at me – in fact, she orders me – to tell you everything, to omit nothing, to shower you with her love until I fill you with stardust from head to toe, so that only the light within you remains!
So, let's kick off episode 3. Everyone calls me a thief, but I await you on the same road!
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„I SUCCEEDED!!! I spoke to you! And you see, that's why I truly can't, in any way, keep quiet. I can't believe I did that. I really did that.
Oh, it was a dream! I am so proud of myself, and I feel so fulfilled! I've already forgiven myself for the terrible emotions I had while telling you what I had prepared in my mind to say. But you have no idea, you can't imagine how much it annoys me to have emotions, and especially for them to hold their ground in their fight against me. I'm not allowed to have emotions! What is this?! Another part of me, however, tells me that I'm too harsh on my child-like soul that's just starting out, and it begs me to go easier on myself...” – praise be to good God for the voice of conscience! And praise be to His mercy that He knocked me down early and completely from this ridiculous and at the same time extremely dangerous pedestal of self-opinion... He still gives me a nudge of love, every time I try to climb back up: „Where are you off to, mate? Well, what did we talk about? Where are you wandering again? You, who got burned by soup, didn't we say that from now on you'd even blow on yogurt?! Oh my, my child, my...” (Thank You, Lord of love for humankind!)
„You, the one in my mind, are now looking over my right shoulder at the letters my pen is forming again on the pages (as long as it holds out), and from your eyes, warm tears of sincerity are trickling down, in a slow movement, to the rhythm of Chopin's Nocturnes, while you smile, perhaps a little pained. I don't see you, but I know you are crying.
A tear makes its way down your long and serene face, and drips onto my shoulder, continuing its course towards the hollow of your clavicle, where it stops. Right there. Completely. And there it lives out its last moments of life, because water is alive...” – what a deeply theological nuance! And at that time, your girl hadn't touched the Bible except to dust it in the library... God is great! – „and, moreover, because the source of tears is a living being, and what life it has within it... oh, because the source is you yourself!
There your tear breathes until it melts, and then another comes, and then another. And so on, like a warm summer rain, but not torrential, rather slow, deliberate...
One thing is certain: at least now you know I exist, so – darn it! – how am I going to cry for art's sake now?! Oh, life is hard when you think you're an artist and your so-called «sufferings» are cut short! (Speaking of art and artists, I seriously asked myself: what if I started writing?” – haha, four years later, I greet you with How beautifully God works! What's more, He even leaves us clues, like in treasure hunts. We must have patience – but not patience from the tip of our lips (superficial patience), but the patience of Saint Cleopa: „Patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience! And when you think you're done, start over and again: Patience, patience, patience... Not until weeding, but until the very end!”. The key is to enter His game!
„I've come out, I wait a bit – and there! I see you! Oh, thank You, Lord! – you're alone! So I come towards you, I shout: «Come here for a moment, please!» – No, no, no, no! You don't hear! I shout again: «Can you come for a moment?», and I also raise my hand. Yes! Victory! You saw me and you're coming!
And now, what? Where are you fleeing to, the peace I had?! Please no, I beg you, don't leave me! It's gone! But I must continue, because you are now in front of me. So I say, barely remembering that I also wanted to say this: «My God, how tall you are!», but it sounds so weak, so short, that I wonder to myself: «Did you hear me?»” – I can't describe to you how much fun I'm having rereading and reliving this, and how fond I am of Anuța from twelfth grade; the super-secret agent, Love's subordinate, from whom she received missions of an obligatory nature and immediate application, missions she undertook instantly, serving with sacred seriousness and unwavering determination – „Then I remember the «text» and begin: «You know, I thought to myself like this... that... (I stammer, oh, no, my voice volume can't be trembling too!) ... no one would mind a kind word, so, look: You are a very interesting person...»” – You told him, girl! Bravo! (Forgive me if my self-criticisms with a humorous slant seem too harsh to you; I told you I'm having a terrific time! Self-irony is my life-prescribed medicine since early childhood, so don't worry!) – „«And what you do is very beautiful!». Here you try to say something, but at the same time I want to continue” – Oh! Catastrophe! What did we talk about – having paaaatience, talking slooowly, leaving room for interventions?! ‒ „Everything happened so quickly, or perhaps you interrupted me with what you wanted to say earlier, and you said: «Thank you, truly thank you very much. And we hope to see you again! Have a pleasant evening! God bless!», you bowed slightly, and that was it! You evaporated...
I dwell on several detailed elements. I am envious of your peace and calm, so natural and inherent. Perhaps you also sensed how vulnerable I was, how completely overwhelmed by emotions... The entire time I spoke with you, you looked at me, at my face, into my eyes... And I at you... I observed your eyes, mouth, mustache, beard, and, when you smiled, your teeth – perfectly aligned.
Oh, you smiled a few times at what I said! So I achieved my goal: I made you smile, I provoked that in your being! I'm happy! Heeey! I'm fulfilled! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Lord! Tenfold! Again!
I walked towards the car dancing. On the way home, I was overcome with full, resounding laughter, just by myself. People who saw me at the traffic light surely thought I was crazy – and I am! Crazy with happiness!” – Well, there you have it! I told you I'm not lying! – „Thank you, Lord, that I arrived home safe and sound, despite the fact that I was trembling all over, and my legs had gone so weak I don't know who was pressing my pedals...” – Oh yes, we both know Who your personal driver was that evening! Because you, my dear, were no longer in this world, you were floating somewhere on the clouds of love, at a respectable distance from Earth...
„Since then I've been from Mars, to Venus, to Saturn, all the way back to Mercury, and even now I don't think I'm back on Earth... I don't even know if I'd want to be!” – There you go! Great minds think alike with Ana from four years ago! It's like we're the same person, isn't it?! I invite you once again to think about what that boy must have experienced, the poor thing, what must have been on his mind reading my self-diagnosis as an astronaut in love... What a strong stomach he must have had!
„When I saw you, the question weighed heavily on me: «What am I doing with my foolishness intruding on this boy's life? How can I show myself, reveal myself, bare my soul like this in front of you?». To my relief, I recovered and realized that it wouldn't change anything for the world to know who I am. I don't hide from myself, I don't run from who I am, I'm not afraid. I need to learn not to think anymore: How will I ever face you after you read this?
I'd be hellishly ashamed, I can't deny it. What I do is fight this shame and overcome it, going all the way with the slogan «YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE!». Because that effectively implies having had possession of something, to then be able to say you lose it, and to be afraid of not having it anymore. In that sense, I truly have nothing; at best, I might have something if I had the courage for you to read this.
But, you see, far from you I have courage; when I get close to you, on your ground (I sound like we're waging some war), I completely melt, as if I were a rubber man, or a donut dough... I don't like this at all, but all I can do is face the unpleasantness and get used to it until we become friends…” – sit down, 10!
„It profoundly confuses me that I'm in math class, and at the same time I'm pouring my heart out here, reciprocal equations, irrational roots, and other nonsense are swirling in my head. I feel like I'm in a microwave oven...” – Oh, and this math teacher! How dared he hold his class, do his job, prepare us as best as possible for the baccalaureate, while I was in love?! My mind was only for my darling, not for calculations and exercises! Why didn't he understand?! I also had (other kinds of) problems to solve, but they were still problems, even bigger than math problems! How could you do such a thing, sir?!
„Did you tell me yesterday «we're looking forward to seeing you again» because you truly want to see me again, because I somehow piqued your interest, because you will indeed expect me to come again? Or simply because that's what one says, because this formality has become a reflex for you and we already speak mechanically, we humans, from the usual baggage of classic, stereotypical expressions, without truly feeling or understanding what our mouth says?
Just like the stupid question «How are you?», oh dear! When you see a person, instead of asking them how they feel, how their life is going, you say: «What are you doing?», as if you don't see them in front of you, and you know exactly what they're doing, unless, God forbid, you were blind...” – well said whoever said that we throw around God forbid! up and down, as if we knew better than God... Saint Arsenie Papacioc said: „Dear one, it's not even good for Him (God) to protect us completely, but to leave us a little trouble too!”. Between what you think is good for you and what is truly good for you – and only God knows that – there opens a chasm as vast as heaven and earth, and this in the overwhelming majority of cases. Until we understand „what a great thing it is to receive a slap” (Saint Arsenie Papacioc), we keep deluding ourselves greatly, equating a good life with comfort, with self-sufficiency, with zen- and the like...
Oh my, so many times I asked for things for which later I kissed the Lord's feet that He didn't give them to me! Thank you, Lord, that You didn't listen to me, that You didn't pay attention to my stubborn child's words! Glory to You, Lord, that You don't stoop to our level!
„Post Scriptum: Because I wanted to stop, but these cursed ideas seem to come even more abundantly now that I've decided to put an end to it, hoping for a conclusion... Those few omitted ideas started to emerge, and even to call out to me. It's as if they're small children, who circle around you and tug at your clothes, and no matter how much you try to free yourself from them, even by indulging them, they still won't leave you alone! It's like a vice to me, but a good one. Does writing cause addiction, can such a thing be possible?” – Yes. It's possible.
„You know, after I thought more about how disarmed I was in front of you, in front of your calmness, I realized where the expression «to melt for someone» comes from? Only now did I understand what happened to me while we were talking, when I tried with all my might – and failed in every way – to convince my body to obey me. I understood why I felt my body had completely abandoned me and that I had no trace of control left. Now I understand! I was a wax figurine and my face was starting to get warm, to melt and drip! So this is what it means to melt for someone, for someone... in someone's warmth. I even told you that evening that you are a warm person, but I didn't know I was saying it literally, as if I were talking, literally, to a stove...
I might be wrong and laugh at myself some time from now. I'm ready for anything. I've said that before. Because I feel God is with me. May He be with you too!” – Hello, my dear! It's still me here, from some time later. You were right, I'm actually laughing! At myself, at you, at us...
And I thank You, Lord, for always being with me! Even when I thought You weren't anymore.
(to be continued)
Ana Bănică