Friday, December 7, 2018
I must give a very strong meaning to what is happening to me. I might die soon or I might live, but the main thing is to resurrect. And I cannot resurrect in any other way than by living the healing tradition of the Church with much greater intensity than before. Let me leave everything else until resurrection! Let nothing else concern me! Let me fulfill all the words of the Gospel that are related to the Resurrection! “He who loves mother, father, son, daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me...”.
Bodily therapy should be nothing more than a delicate work, to which I should not pay too much attention. I should not give it my full attention.
Last night I had a completely unexpected surprise: on the hip that was hurting me, I saw a large bruise. I was momentarily scared. It started to hurt. I took two Algocalmin and one Ketonal (pill). I managed to sleep enough, even if intermittently. I woke up and started to pray. Today I am fasting. I want to pray intensely. How much time do I have left to gain eternity? I don't want to play with eternity, as our good Father used to say. The Great Father. I see no other way than to cling, with all my strength and love, to the Church. I have lived moments when I felt that God's love can be overwhelming.
Pity for the children and the desire to live to be with them, and Anca, has overwhelmed me since last night. I don't understand what is happening. Today my hip didn't hurt anymore. But I often cry with pity for myself and for the children, because I want to live. Is this pity human? Where did it come from? I haven't had it until now. Has my sense of eternity atrophied? We must break this thick wall of fog between us two, Lord! What is with this fear that freezes the bones? What did Father Sophrony say? But I cry mixedly, partly for life, partly for repentance, for my life wasted and lost in eternity.
We cannot bear eternal hell. We cannot bear it. It is dreadful for man, who was made for life, for light, for the delights of divine life. I must rise for this, not for anything else. The rest will be added according to the great goodwill of God.
I make a good start for Prayer, for eternity, for the acquisition of Life. Nothing else. Nothing else! For now, until my soul resurrects! This can mean anything. Last night's moment put me on alert.
I will fight with my thoughts, for eternity. I will fight with the Lord to the end! One of us will win. Let's see who will overcome. Lord, overcome me with Your unbearable love! Overcome me, Lord! Do not let me die in my passions. Enlighten my darkness! Enlighten my darkness!
Mircea Stanciu
Excerpt from "The Journal of Healing",
book forthcoming from Bonifaciu Publishing House
In the photo, Mircea on his 41st birthday (June 10, 2019)