The woman. THE WOMAN. the woman. w-o-m-a-n. The woman. Femme.
Searching for the etymology of the word woman, I find that it is a Latin term with Proto-Indo-European roots, related to the idea of "to suckle, to breastfeed."
Thus, originally, woman makes explicit reference to the role of mother. The moment it was absorbed by Latin culture, the diminutive suffix was added to it -ella (giving it the meaning of "young woman, little woman") and resulted in femella. Thus, the semantic content of the word femella was built on the idea of "young woman who breastfeeds."
Subsequently, feminine identity was diversified to the point of including cultural, professional, and social aspects, giving rise to the lady and the miss, the seamstress, the secretary, etc.
But who is the woman in her truth?
When I addressed this question to the woman in front of me, the answers received most often referred to the predominant role ‒ or to her roles (there are cases where the number of roles and their burden is overwhelming for the woman they are "stuck to").
She told me what kind of mother she is, how much she accepts at work, how much she fights for her marriage, how she tries to forgive her father or mother, how she desperately tries to have a civilized relationship with her mother-in-law, etc.
But she couldn't tell me anything about herself.
After a (consistent) effort, she managed to say, in passing and with guilt, that she had no time for herself. And, anyway, who cares?!
It seemed she once liked to sing. Or to knit sweaters. Or to read. Or...
It doesn't matter anymore.
Now she's a mother. and/or wife. and/or daughter. and/or daughter-in-law. and/or employee. and/or grandmother. and/or friend. and/or specialist. and/or activist.
It's easy to observe that we often confuse (or reach the point where we confuse) the role with the identity. Then, both with the self. With what I essentially am.
What is the role? What is the identity?
The role is a set of internalized behaviors, attitudes, and expectations that a person adopts and expresses in a specific social context, according to the norms and relationships within that context. Simply put, the role is how you are expected to behave in a given situation or relationship.
Feminine identity is the process by which the experience of being a woman is integrated into a coherent self-image, offering continuity, meaning, and a living relationship with one's own life, beyond social roles. In short, feminine identity is how a woman understands herself as a whole, beyond her social roles.
* * *
Here, then, having roles and being a woman (having feminine identity) does not guarantee the inner peace we often long for.
When, beyond mother, daughter, friend, doctor, obedient woman, independent woman, or fighter woman, there stands a self, a forgotten, uncomforted Mary, who has long not been asked: "You... How are you? What do you need? How do you find your peace? What nourishes you? What brings you joy? What do you need to forgive? What are you afraid of?", the light of your being slowly extinguishes, allowing darkness to settle.
And darkness is nothing but the absence of light.
* * *
By opening a sincere dialogue with yourself, you can discover a treasure, a friend, an understanding, a beginning of a journey, solace, a real closeness to who you truly are.
Dare.
Those who dare, receive. Sometimes, even emperors.
You! Yes, you!
Who are you?
Tell me about yourself, not about your roles.
Tell me about who you are when you're not a mother, daughter, wife, friend, employee, etc.
Allow yourself a moment, light the light within you, and tell your story.
To me. To a friend. To God.
We will all rejoice in your gesture.
Daniela Costache
Personal and Educational Development Counselor
Photo by Lena Glukhova pexels.com