I forgot to tell how I returned to the Church...
I had noticed some neighbors, two sisters about my age, who were joyful. I didn't see them sad or disappointed, as I often was. I went to them and asked about their state. I remember one of the sisters was about to get married. They gave me a book with stories about the lives of people who read the Bible, saying that if you read the Bible, your life changes. The book was not Orthodox.
I also remember that a friend was about to get married, and I told her I wished I was too. I don't know if she told me to go to confession, but I remember she urged me to go to church, to services, and to pray. I prayed with my husband in mind.
Of course, I also translated for my husband what Saint Joseph of Vatopedi says about women. But... do you think any muscle on his face twitched? Of course not!
I started reading more and looking for answers. The experiences you've been through matter a lot. For me, confession where I'm scolded or given remarks doesn't suit me, because, ever since I can remember, I've generally been scolded and spoken to harshly.
It is said that at confession one must name the sin as it is, such as that you stole, gossiped, judged, etc., but perhaps that person, who has not been in the Church for long, needs to express it as best they can, they need courage... Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps I don't understand what it should be, so I speak only for myself.
My first confession was not like in stories. No one encouraged me, it was unpleasant.
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Once, when someone told me they were going through trouble (regardless of whether it was their fault or not), I told them with fear that they wouldn't be able to get through the ordeal alone, but only with the help of the Lord, and I urged them to go to confession. But I was afraid, because that person had never been to confession before and was generally refractory towards priests, and if they were to encounter a priest who might scold them or give them remarks, then there would be a high chance they would never set foot in a church again. I prayed, from my fallen state, that the Lord would have mercy on her.
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Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh, from what I've read, received people gently at confession, had much understanding for human weaknesses, just like other saints who were spiritual fathers.
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Of course, when you return to the Church, you face all sorts of temptations. After crying crocodile tears, I fell right into the temptation of the Pharisee! Another great temptation was when I was almost run over by a car, appearing seemingly out of nowhere, full of men who were laughing and looking at me, like devils. Then I felt how Someone higher than me pulled me back by the collar and held me. If that step had been allowed, I wouldn't be writing now.
Holy Guardian Angel, I am so sorry that I always trouble you! I love you from my humility, that is, my fallen state.
Anastasia
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