I feel that all the beauty I've learned and lived comes from my dear mommy. I understood that the sadness within me, which is practically visible in my eyes, also comes from her. I somehow took it on. Thank God I also took on the joy of laughter and beauty.
Mom was married twice. From her first husband, she experienced immense sadness, trouble after trouble, oh dear, oh dear. She told me. Not even with her second husband, my father, did she have a life of white clouds and pink flowers, but here she put her foot down sooner and divorced. She didn't need a man anymore.
Mom fought for us. I miss the joys shared with Mom. But I also made her sad. I started to be rebellious; I wanted to be noticed, to no longer be no name kid, as I am now, no name woman.
Oh, how much I regret it!
I long to be loved, but I don't know how to love.
Sometimes I wondered for whose prayers I returned to the Church.
* * *
Mom and I used to go to the theater, to comedies; that's one of the joys. How much I wished I always had Mom close by! She knew how to recite a lot of Eminescu, even in old age.
I remember having a period of disco, parties, and of course, smoking and drinking. When I came home very late, my beloved mother would come into my room and sprinkle holy water on my face. Oh, Mommy, I love you!
Before we returned to the Church, we only went to church on Easter and, I think, on Epiphany, but we didn't stay for the services. After I returned to the Church, I quit smoking, but not immediately. I thought I'd quit smoking for Christ. I would still cheat occasionally with half a cigarette, but I felt such shame before Him! I don't remember anymore... I probably prayed for Him to help me, and without realizing it, I stopped smoking.
Parties no longer mattered, and that's how the 'ruby red wine' also ended.
* * *
I never liked poetry at all, after the agony of school and high school. But, surprisingly, I like the poems from Pridvor.
Anastasia
Photograph by Daria Nekipelova / pexeles.com