Once I was sitting and thinking: where did so much filth come from inside me, as a child? Then images came to mind, seeing something that disgusted me and I ran away, then movies... Maybe these are the reasons. But why couldn't I be a better child, to withdraw from the path of all evil, or to pass through them without touching them?
Many times I've thought it's as if I'm living a curse, always bad, bad, and bad again.
How much I wish I had lived in the mountains, free from all bad images, from all temptations... How much I love the mountains, even though I was born in the deep south! Why is this happening to me? I don't even know why I like the Greek language, the culture of Greek villages... How strange.
Thank You, Lord, for bringing things to mind that make me smile.
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I realize that I was cursed as a child, so perhaps this is why I feel like I'm under a curse? I lived through bad after bad, sin after sin. Oh, how I wasted my life... But God opened the way for me to Him. It's never too late!
* * *
Do you know what I don't understand? Why I was always rejected, why I was considered good for nothing? Is it so that I, in turn, can understand others? But here there must also be discernment, and I don't have it.
Lord, I wish I could write as if I were writing to You!
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I'm afraid to say that something has changed in me since I started writing these things. And my relationship with my husband is different. Lord, glory to You! I'm afraid to rejoice, to shout with joy... I just take all these changes as normal.
Sometimes my thoughts fight me, telling me not to write anymore. I thought I was writing all sorts of nonsense. I thought I was going crazy with my sorrows. Unfortunately, through all sorts of experiences, I learned that I have nothing good to give, that I am not capable of anything, etc... I probably can't even write about many things.
Often it's hard for me to go back in time. I wholeheartedly wish to live in the present too.
Anastasia
Photograph by cottonbro studio / pexeles.com