The other day I was sitting on a bench in the park. I was coming back from the market and, as my hands were full of bags, I stopped for a few minutes to rest. An acquaintance, around 60-something, passed by me, dressed extremely colorfully, with a summer hat tied with a red ribbon and large brims, covering her entire face. She spots me, stops right in front of me, and we start a conventional conversation: "Hello! How are you, how are your children doing, where have you traveled recently?..." And, as we talked, she said to me: "Listen, why don't you dye your hair?" And she started giving me some beauty tips meant to restore lost vitality to the skin.
When I tell her I'm a grandmother, she says: "Oh, that's it, you're free! From now on, you're living your second youth! How do you feel now that you have nothing left to do?"
I looked at her, I think, like a "turkey in a dish" (it was my mother's saying when she felt lost). I didn't quite understand what she meant, but I smiled at the corner of my mouth and replied quite dryly: "I feel exactly like I'm 56, no more, no less." I don't think she liked my answer or my facial expression, because she left murmuring only she knows what.
Hmm! She'll probably avoid me next time... I've gained another person who considers me backward, or maybe just unapproachable. With so many others, what does one more matter? But now, honestly, what could I have answered? I can't pretend that I care that "the much-desired youth" is gone. I don't care that my hair has turned gray and my body shows increasingly visible signs of fatigue. I also wonder, "like a turkey in a dish," if I refuse to see them, will they disappear? Is there a magic recipe that helps you erase them like on a smart board with a virtual sponge? I don't think so. And, if it doesn't exist, why chase a chimera, wasting precious time? What and to whom do I want to prove it? My husband knows me exactly as I am. And if it's for "self-confidence," this phrase encountered so often... My confessor and those I've read say that beauty comes from Christ. It is the only beauty that does not fade. So? What's the point?
No! By no means do I want to say that physical appearance doesn't matter. We live among people, and our presence should bring joy and peace to those around us. I'm referring to this trend blowing from all directions, which "specializes" you, through billboards, in covering up the signs of age. I don't know if anyone understands me, but I wouldn't want to be young again. I don't want to go back in time to the period when everything seemed rosy and to that feeling that I could even move the furniture in the house by myself. I wholeheartedly want to live here, now. In the present! I love these grandmother moments. I love the squabbles with my husband. You, those in my "old league," understand this great truth that you tend to neglect in youth.
When you're young, perhaps you more often look over the fence at the neighbor's hen, which lays eggs more frequently than yours. Whatever and whomever "else" you might dream of in your youth, in old age, you still remain with him or her. All things disappear! There comes a time when no one shows you the same interest as when you were "in office" and gentlemen or ladies flattered you to obtain favors or simple tax exemptions. Now be happy even if they (still) greet you when you meet them in the bread line. And that's only if you've left enough good behind to remain even after someone else has taken your seat at work.
So it would be good to use the years spent together. Otherwise, we will destroy each other. There is no school to teach you how to be a wife or a mother. I believe you let life shape you as much as you yourself wish to be shaped by it. If you remain clinging to imaginary standards and desires, you risk becoming old with gray temples and a million "oh, how good it would have been if back then..." That's why I think it would be good to learn to live beautifully. Let life transform us into elders who inspire peace and nostalgia when you see them. I'm dreaming beautifully, aren't I? Hmm... I still hope for that.
I know that Botox and all other aesthetic procedures are fashionable now, but if I were to undergo surgery, would my conscience also be in tandem with what I want to show on the outside? And if I can't rejuvenate it too, who do I want to lie to? Because no matter how young and beautiful I may seem, I will know that I'm still 56. An undeniable truth! I have wrinkles. Well, so what? They're mine. White temples and tired hands? Thank you, Lord, for bringing me to this very hour!
Sometimes I talk to my husband, when we go for our evening walk, about how everything, absolutely everything we've been through, has transformed us into who we are today. A whole! Or, more colorfully put, a kind of 'shawarma with everything.' There's a good answer for the lady! I'll remember it for next time. Now it's time to enjoy the fruits of our labor. We are extremely grateful that we've lived to experience the joy of being grandparents. How could I want to look 30 years old when our children are over 30? How could I not be proud of my white hairs when our children say: 'She is Mom!' No, I don't want to go back in time. Not even to fix some things. For that, there are tears. If I were to truly go back in time, I would only do it to remember what I've lived, and to give thanks for everything. Everything, absolutely everything that has been in my life has transformed me into the woman I am today. Lord, I thank You! Things are simple from my point of view. You just have to tightly embrace the position you're in and learn to live beautifully. Hour by hour, until your last breath. There is no other way! The way of the cross and of acceptance. The only true one!
Practically, it's like at the bank. God, the Good One, gives you if you ask, but you also have to put a small sum there, in the account. If you don't put anything, on what basis will He, the All-Good, give you interest?! Lest in old age you discover that you've accumulated many zeros in your life's account, which represent nothing but poor empty circles... But if you put the number ONE before them, which is always Christ... well, then you become rich! And how can you not be happy? Both grandparents, and rich, and healthy as the Lord has given! Hey, Life! I love you and thank you for still breathing in me! 'I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life' (John 14:6).
Jenica Gavrilă
Photography by Pavel Danilyuk / pexels.com