I don't even know how to begin these lines. I would have wanted to say with all my heart: "Glory be to God for everything!". Nothing stops me, but I don't always feel like I thank Him with all my heart for all that He gives me.
Now, as I write, I sit at the head of the bed, and as I pen a word here, I cast my gaze towards the sky. I've raised my shutter, letting the autumnal sunbeams enter the room. Not for me, but for the little flowers on the windowsill. I try not to be so selfish and not to rob them of the joy of autumn days.
I have a flashback: my father had these exact same days, looking at the sky from bed, for 7 years and didn't complain, like me. But that's another story...
I chose to write about this state of slight helplessness both because I was encouraged to, and because, beyond the screen, perhaps someone else might relate. If two years ago I wrote about the joy of bearing the cross of an illness, about how much grace God can send precisely so you don't fall under its weight, today I am experiencing the reverse. Grace is less, because the condition is no longer as serious, but... it exists!
What can I say about myself?
Physically: there were days when I couldn't get out of bed except to go to the bathroom. I preferred not to eat, so as not to accentuate my pains. Dizziness, nausea, altered mental state... Precisely because of this, I spent most of the past summer indoors, or if I went out, it was strictly out of necessity, for short distances. All this while on a treatment that helps me feel well. Strange, isn't it? All these states just to be well under these conditions...
Mentally: rapid changes; one moment I could laugh, and in a few minutes, the whole building could hear me. I also preferred to isolate myself a bit, precisely to avoid questions about how I feel (they had become annoying), and also so as not to transmit my state to those around me.
Spiritually: a disaster. If two years ago I was in continuous joy, even though the condition was serious, now... everything is at zero. The vigil evenings, I admit, or when I managed to visit a monastery, were balm. Otherwise... carried on the shoulders by my spiritual father, my husband, and a handful of people. The rest withdrew long ago. Too much or too hard for them, I don't know, but glory be to God!
Yes! That's pretty much the overall picture... and yet, God doesn't forget me! I forget Him, yes. But the other way around... never!
The joy wasn't as great anymore, but how much it meant to get out of bed one day and sweep the house! Something... dreamlike! And I'm not kidding. I was genuinely happy to see the warmth coming in from outside, to manage to tidy up a bit around me, to hang three items of laundry... Not to mention that, a month ago, after two years, I went for a walk on foot, without complaining about a pain in my side... I even ate a doughnut! Should I also talk about the trip to Robaia? From Neamț to there it's 6 hours, and driving... I don't think I told anyone, but at one point I had terrible pains, yet when I saw all the mountain scenery in the Brașov area... could I possibly not enjoy the monastery at Robaia? I won't even mention it...
In fact, this is what I wanted to convey. That, yes, sometimes everything becomes so difficult to bear. You feel like a burden, and honestly, that seems to be the hardest thing to carry: to be supported by someone both literally and figuratively. I often complained during confession that I couldn't stand the thought of always asking, of being cared for, and I always received the same answer:
"It's one thing not to be able, and another not to want to! God knows!".
God knows, but I felt useless. Good for nothing! But could that really be true? Is anyone "good for nothing" in the eyes of God?
Perhaps this is precisely God's thought: for me to feel small before the world and to look more often towards Him, Who loves permanently, sincerely, and unconditionally!
Alexandrina
P.S. Although I have pains and look at the sky from bed, I truly enjoy this day. If you are healthy, you have even more reasons to enjoy such beautiful autumn days!